I began meditation when I was 16 years old in the summer of 2014. It was a way for me to cope with the intense period of melancholy that comprised the second semester of my junior year in high school. I would give anything to erase that time period, yet I can’t deny that it developed my character and outlook on life tremendously.
I don’t think there was just one cause of that painful time. My grandmother’s death right before that school year was certainly a factor. My mother moving to another state for work certainly took a toll. The stress of school didn’t help either. But the complete downfall of me as an individual was more than a few unfortunate events. The most effective explanation sounds almost too simple: it just happened.
It just happened. Things added up in my life and I no longer felt safe. I didn’t feel protected by my family; I didn’t feel cherished by my friends. Part of the guilt resides in me because I didn’t help the situation. In fact, I was probably the main force behind my own internal collapse.
Summer eventually came and brought insight with her. I became more spiritual and grounded, starting Pilates and meditation to maintain a strong body and mind. The heaviness that had tormented me for almost 6 months lifted as slowly as it had come, but eventually lifted completely. I continued these newly discovered healthy habits for a few months until I eventually gave up for pitiful reasons.
“I don’t have enough time.”
“I’m fine now, so why do I need to continue?”
I didn’t necessarily crash and burn after I stopped meditation, but I did revert back to my anxious and spiteful self. I started looking at people critically and became intolerant. Thankfully, I caught myself in time and realized that I was a young woman acting like a middle schooler. I started to look at some of the great people I have met this year who have exhibited kindness, forgiveness, and willingness to learn. I began to understand what it means to be a good person, to be a happy person.
To go along with this maturation, I started meditating again about a week ago. I have always done it once a day before I go to sleep, but now that summer is starting and I have every morning to myself, I hope to meditate twice a day (once when I wake up, once before I go to bed). I may even branch out into other types of meditation; I have always done guided mindfulness meditation, but other types could connect with me as well.
Anyways, this was a bit of a ramble. Just an insight into my past, how I started meditation, and setting my goal to start regularly meditating from now on. This post took me about a week to put out, but I will be writing much more actively on this blog in the coming months. I hope that you are all feeling compassionate and strong today!
Here’s to a new challenge,